A Look Back

Well Asswipers, welcome to the first Asswipe Chronicles of the new year and the new decade! There's been some talk of what to call the past ten years. I think the phrase most thrown around is the "Aughts". What the hell? Oh well. I'm not here to discuss words and phrases. I'm here to fill your day with pointless drivel. Today's pointless drivel will be a multitude of things. My new year's resolutions (yes resolutions plural), shit I remember about 2009, and shit I remember about 2000-2009. So grab a beer, pop an Adderall. Trust me, you'll need it. This fucker is going to be long. Enjoy.

Part One: Resolutions

1: Don't drink so damn much.
2: Manage my money better.
3: Stop being so goddamn miserable. I have shit pretty good.
4: Stand up straight.
5: Stand up for myself.
6: Take better care of myself.
7: Don't smoke a single cigarette in 2010.
8: Follow the U.S. national team all through the World Cup.
9: Watch as much Braves baseball as possible.
10: Ride a freight train.
11: Write songs.
12: Play a show. (I've been saying this since Suburban Skies broke up, but this time I mean it)
13: Go to as many baseball games as possible (Major League and Minor League).
14: Go somewhere that I've never been.
15: Get back down to around 125-130lbs. The not drinking so much may help with this one.

I think 15 is a good round number. Most of these are achieveable. Let's just see how long it is before I break them.

Part 2: 2009 - Year in Review

January - Started my second consecutive semester as a full time student since I've been in college. Went home with some girl that thought that taking Xanax would be more entertaining that me. Saw th' Legendary Shack Shakers in Birmingham.

February: My eardrum exploded, leading me to go to the doctor voluntarily and taking prescription medication for the the first time in over a decade. Saw Lucero at Bottletree and Unknown Hinson at Zydeco. Both were very awesome.

March: Met some people at a bar in Birmingham that I now consider dear friends. Saw Tim Barry at the same bar a week earlier. Awesome. Got really drunk one night over spring break and went to Rome, Georgia for no good reason.

April: Welcome back baseball season; My brother turned 21. We celebrated by seeing Against Me!, Off With Their Heads, and the Pine Hill Haints in Huntsville.

May: I have no fucking idea what happened in May. Oh well, must not be important. I think I went to a Birmingham Barons game.

June: Introduced to the Gaslight Anthem and listened to more Fake Problems. They're my bands of 2009. Went to Turner Field twice for the same baseball game. The Braves beat the Cubs at the makeup game. Saw the Rome Braves for the first time. Won money playing scratch-offs from the Georgia Lottery. Got laid.

July: Turned down the opportunity to get laid on the 4th of July. You may think it's lame, but in hindsight, I don't regret it. Went to a Braves-Mets game with the same person that I didn't sleep with on the 4th. Watched Greg Maddux be inducted into the Braves Hall of Fame (and almost cried) and watched the Braves beat the dogshit out of the Mets.

August: Back to school. I got a job. I actually like this job.

September: Nothing, really.

October: Most kickass Halloween ever.

November: My Maw Maw died. That's three grandparents in three years. Revival Tour 2009 was the best show that I saw all year.

December: Bama won the SEC. Barely made it out of the semester. Saw Lucero again in Birmingham. It was much better than the first time. I've made it a point to enjoy the hell out of this break and I am.

That's the important points of 2009. It wasn't too bad of a year, but there's some shit that I would do a little different. The year is over though, so all I can do is look back at it.

Part 3: Best Shows of 2009

This is pretty simple. It's my list of the best shows that I went to in 2009.

1: Against Me!/Off With Their Heads/Pine Hill Haints - Crossroads Cafe, Huntsville
2: Revival Tour 2009 - Bottletree, Birmingham
3: Tim Barry/Josh Small/Austin Lucas - Speakeasy, Birmingham
4: Lucero/Those Darlins - Zydeco, Birmingham
5: Unknown Hinson - Zydeco, Birmingham
6: Th' Legendary Shack Shakers/ O' Death - Bottletree, Birmingham
7: Lucero - Bottletree, Birmingham

Part 4: The Aughts - A Decade Remembered by an Asswipe

2000 - Upon turning 13, I was given my first guitar and introduced to punk rock. Every aspect of me being an asshole can be traced back to this point.

2001 - I didn't want to go to high school. I was terrified. I also went to my first big concert: Blink-182, New Found Glory, and Midtown. I still think seeing the word FUCK fabricated in metal and set ablaze each time it was said was probably one of the greatest pyrotechnic feats of all time.

2002 - I woke up one morning with long hair. 8 hours later, I had shaved my head. That's all I remember about 2002.

2003 - A white 1993 Toyota Camry officially becomes known as Spotty. I had some of the best times as a teenager in that car. First of way too many jobs, bagger at Johnson's. First Warped Tour. I joined the EYO and met all of the friends that I have now. At the end of 2003, I listened to Against Me! for the first time. A new kind of Asswipe was created.

2004: A monster named Suburban Skies was born. We played our show less than two weeks after forming. I quit my second job, making burgers at McDonald's, a month after I started, to go see Against Me! for the first of many times. I went to St. Louis. It was cool. I met the girl that drove me crazy for the rest of 2004. This year also had probably the best Warped Tour that I went to.

2005: Started dating the girl that drove me crazy for the last 6 months of 2004, still the longest relationship that I've ever been in. 2005 was probably the best year for Suburban Skies. I think we played our best and most fun shows in 2005, except for the failed attempt at being a 3-piece. Got the fuck out of Etowah High School for good. I went to England for the first time and have been wanting to go back ever since. 3rd Warped Tour for me, and got to sing Barroom Hero with the Dropkick Murphys in front of 5000 people. Marc Orrell said that I was the best person to sing it since they started bringing people up to sing it. Job number 3: bagger at Food World. Oh yeah, I became the umteen millionth person from Etowah County to go to Gadsden State.

2006: Not a good year. Suburban Skies broke up. We played our last show that August with only Owen and myself remaining as the original members. My brother walked out on his job at Wal-Mart to play(which I was very proud of for multiple reasons) and Bowen decided to go rafting or some shit, so we got John McCartney to play drums. Every song finally sounded like what I wanted them to sound like. I tried working two jobs, Food World and FYE (Job number 4). The latter lasted a week. They moved me up to Customer Service and Front End Supervisor at Food World shortly after I quit FYE.

2007: Moved for the first time. Location: Troy, Alabama as a student of Troy University. Beer, meet Drew. Drew, meet beer. We're good friends now. My Paw Paw died that April. Little did I know, grandparents dying would become a recurring theme for the rest of the Aughts. I also dropped out of college in 2007 and went back to working at Food World. I applied and got into JSU, but they gave me the run around and I decided that I was going to Alabama.

2008: I was caught stealing at Food World and they fired me. I missed it after I was fired. Luckily, Sears hired me that same week. Remember that recurring theme? My Nanny died in March of this year, 5 days before I turned 21. It ruined the rest of the year for me. I got into Alabama and some other shit that no one really cares about. I did have a ticket to end the year at a Hot Water Music show, but everyone bailed on me.

2009: I damn near became an alcoholic and spent two months living on nothing but beer, roasted peanuts, and barbeque pork rinds. I welcomed 2009 standing by myself in a bar after everyone that I was going to go see Hot Water Music with flaked and no one would answer their phone. I was broke all summer and spent it taking my Maw Maw to and from doctor's appointments and chemo treatments. I spent most of the year unemployed, but got a job in August. Back to the recurring theme, my Maw Maw died the week before Thanksgiving, leaving me with no living grandparents.

There you go, the year and decade as remembered by an Asswipe. I brought in 2010 with people that I love and with much more optimism about 2010 than I had for 2009. I heard someone say that if you end the year with certain people, they'll be there throughout the next year. If so, I'm in good company for 2010. I have a feeling that this year will be a good year, and I hope that it is a good year for all of you.

Thanks for reading the Asswipe Chronicles. I swear I'll post more frequently in 2010. To make it a good year, I think we'll end the first post of 2010 with a song that isn't depressing. Actually, this song always put me in a good mood when I was a teenager.

Happy New Year, ya fuckers!