To the few, if any, Asswipers out there, Merry Christmas from the Asswipe Chronicles!
I hope it's a good Christmas for all of you. Spend time with family and friends, let them know that you love them. That's the important thing.
And because the Asswipe Chronicles is a culturally sensitive blog;
Happy Amaterasu, Beiwe, Brumalia, Choimus, Deuorius Riuri, Deygān, Goru, Hanukkah, Hogmanay, Inti Raymi, Junkanoo, Karachun, Koleda, Lucia, Meán Geimhridh, Midvinterblót, Modranicht, Shab-e Chelleh, Saturnalia, Şeva Zistanê, Sol Invictus Festival, Soyal, Wayeb, We Tripantu, Yule, Zagmuk, and Ziemassvētki.
25 December 2009
16 December 2009
The Bar Was Open But To Me The Bar Was Closing
How are you doing? I hope you're well. I haven't been here in a while. I hit town Friday night/Saturday morning after seeing Those Darlins and Lucero at Zydeco. I completely intended on staying in Birmingham after the show, but the person that I was going to stay with after the show left before I did. I ended up driving home only to find that my mother had locked the screen door and I didn't have a key. It was 4am and I didn't want to wake her, so I slept in a hotel. I woke up not drunk thinking "Where the fuck am I at?". You should all listen to Those Darlins, by the way. Speaking of the hotel room, if you're related to me and you happen to see any of my immediate family in the near future, please don't mention this. I'd rather not not hear the end of it.
I can't believe that Christmas is Friday. It's weird. When I was a kid, it always felt like it took forever for Christmas to get here. Now, well, it's fucking here. I didn't even realize that people had Christmas lights up until I drove down University Boulevard and Queen City Avenue tonight. When I was at home last week, I saw where the City of Attalla had put up their decorations, but they didn't put up the lanterns that I've seen my entire life. Instead, they put up plastic snowflakes covered in Christmas lights. It's like one of the few things about Christmas that I still enjoyed was gone. This is also going to be my very first Christmas that will be without any of my grandparents. We all know that it happens eventually, but it's still weird. I remember how weird it was last year, the first Christmas without Nanny. She always came over to eat breakfast with us Christmas morning and later in the day we would all go to her house for dinner. Instead, we went to my uncle's house last year and afterwards I started the new holiday tradition of sitting in a bar with my friends after we all did family things.
But tomorrow, tomorrow really starts the holiday for me. I'll be leaving Tuscaloosa after work, stopping in Birmingham to see some friends, then heading home. I'll be home for about two weeks this time. I haven't been home that long in a while. All I hope for out of these next two weeks is being able to sell my drumset and to not ring in 2010 like I did 2009; standing by myself in the middle of Antonelli's taking a drink from my pint while everyone around me paired off and kissed someone to welcome the new year. I told my mom about that the other day and I think it bummed her out.
Ah shit, this gets more and more depressing each time I post. I planned on driving somewhere over the break. Those Google Earth vacations just weren't cutting it. I finally did last week. It was me, my brother, Thomas, and Emily. We were originally going to go to Rome and buy 40s and lottery tickets and whatnot. Instead, we drove to Chattanooga (and I almost shit when I saw a huge goddamn railyard leading into the city and train shit all over the city), went to this really bitchin' restaurant called Big River Brewery that made their own beer in house, bought Tennessee lottery tickets, bought 40s in Georgia, I almost shit myself when I saw an actual case of Schlitz beer (not malt liquor, beer), drove back down Highway 11, and watched as my brother offered a cigarette to the bronze statues of Jeff Cook and Randy Owen in Fort Payne (much to our fears that the Fort Payne P.D. would arrest us for defacing their bronze idols or that the statues themselves would come alive and kill us). It seemed appropriate that the Alabama Museum and Fan Club is located next to a Tractor Supply. It was a really awesome night. It made me want to live in Chattanooga and I plan on going back sometime during the day so I can dick around a little longer.
Speaking of Alabama and Randy Owen, did you know that CMT does their own version of Cribs? No shit. Randy Owen was on it. They were in his bedroom and he pointed out that all of his kids were conceived in the same bed (thanks for the mental image, ass) and proceeded to bang the headboard against the wall, saying that that was what it sounded like when they were conceived. It was probably the funniest thing that's been on CMT in, well, ever.
There we go. That last paragraph wasn't a bummer. Finally. Maybe I can get this back to the foundation of sarcasm and smartassery that the Asswipe Chronicles was founded on.
I totally need to take a shower. I don't think I have since Thursday. It's officially Monday now. My ass is a tangled mess of ass hair and dingleberries (the screaming shits will do that to a man). And I itch. I'm itching all over. That's it, Asswipers, I'm taking a shower. I can't take this shit too much longer.
But before I go, be on the lookout. I might do some of that High Fidelity "End of the Year" list bullshit (If you don't get the High Fidelity part, Kevin Spacey pretty much does nothing but make lists and walk in the rain in the movie High Fidelity). Who knows?
I can't believe that Christmas is Friday. It's weird. When I was a kid, it always felt like it took forever for Christmas to get here. Now, well, it's fucking here. I didn't even realize that people had Christmas lights up until I drove down University Boulevard and Queen City Avenue tonight. When I was at home last week, I saw where the City of Attalla had put up their decorations, but they didn't put up the lanterns that I've seen my entire life. Instead, they put up plastic snowflakes covered in Christmas lights. It's like one of the few things about Christmas that I still enjoyed was gone. This is also going to be my very first Christmas that will be without any of my grandparents. We all know that it happens eventually, but it's still weird. I remember how weird it was last year, the first Christmas without Nanny. She always came over to eat breakfast with us Christmas morning and later in the day we would all go to her house for dinner. Instead, we went to my uncle's house last year and afterwards I started the new holiday tradition of sitting in a bar with my friends after we all did family things.
But tomorrow, tomorrow really starts the holiday for me. I'll be leaving Tuscaloosa after work, stopping in Birmingham to see some friends, then heading home. I'll be home for about two weeks this time. I haven't been home that long in a while. All I hope for out of these next two weeks is being able to sell my drumset and to not ring in 2010 like I did 2009; standing by myself in the middle of Antonelli's taking a drink from my pint while everyone around me paired off and kissed someone to welcome the new year. I told my mom about that the other day and I think it bummed her out.
Ah shit, this gets more and more depressing each time I post. I planned on driving somewhere over the break. Those Google Earth vacations just weren't cutting it. I finally did last week. It was me, my brother, Thomas, and Emily. We were originally going to go to Rome and buy 40s and lottery tickets and whatnot. Instead, we drove to Chattanooga (and I almost shit when I saw a huge goddamn railyard leading into the city and train shit all over the city), went to this really bitchin' restaurant called Big River Brewery that made their own beer in house, bought Tennessee lottery tickets, bought 40s in Georgia, I almost shit myself when I saw an actual case of Schlitz beer (not malt liquor, beer), drove back down Highway 11, and watched as my brother offered a cigarette to the bronze statues of Jeff Cook and Randy Owen in Fort Payne (much to our fears that the Fort Payne P.D. would arrest us for defacing their bronze idols or that the statues themselves would come alive and kill us). It seemed appropriate that the Alabama Museum and Fan Club is located next to a Tractor Supply. It was a really awesome night. It made me want to live in Chattanooga and I plan on going back sometime during the day so I can dick around a little longer.
Speaking of Alabama and Randy Owen, did you know that CMT does their own version of Cribs? No shit. Randy Owen was on it. They were in his bedroom and he pointed out that all of his kids were conceived in the same bed (thanks for the mental image, ass) and proceeded to bang the headboard against the wall, saying that that was what it sounded like when they were conceived. It was probably the funniest thing that's been on CMT in, well, ever.
There we go. That last paragraph wasn't a bummer. Finally. Maybe I can get this back to the foundation of sarcasm and smartassery that the Asswipe Chronicles was founded on.
I totally need to take a shower. I don't think I have since Thursday. It's officially Monday now. My ass is a tangled mess of ass hair and dingleberries (the screaming shits will do that to a man). And I itch. I'm itching all over. That's it, Asswipers, I'm taking a shower. I can't take this shit too much longer.
But before I go, be on the lookout. I might do some of that High Fidelity "End of the Year" list bullshit (If you don't get the High Fidelity part, Kevin Spacey pretty much does nothing but make lists and walk in the rain in the movie High Fidelity). Who knows?
03 December 2009
It's Black on Black and Red on Red
Guten nacht. I'm sorry that I haven't been here in a while. I've been, well, drunk.
I have on a pot of Seattle's Best coffee. I'll ad a bit of Best Yet heavy creamer and a bit of Bruno's brand sugar. It's probably Best Yet as well. Fuck, I don't remember. That's some corporate sloganeering if I've ever seen it on the Asswipe Chronicles. Too bad they don't pay me for it.
How was your Thanksgiving? Mine was alright. I ate too much, watched Alabama win the Iron Bowl (fuck you, Auburn fans, you were outscored 26-7 after the first quarter) and drank too much every night. Seriously, with the exception of Sunday (because Etowah County is dry on Sundays), I spent every night of the break at Antonelli's or Babe's. I'm glad that my mother and sister don't know about this blog. I'd rather them not know that I go to Babe's.
I hate this time of year, the span from after Halloween to the New Year. I really do. It makes me blue as hell. I'm going to be way more honest with you than I am being with anyone in this blog. I'm lonely as fuck. Seriously. I see all these people in town and at bars and they're together and happy and shit and I can't help but wonder, what the fuck am I doing wrong? This is way to personal for my own comfort, but I'm being serious. I may not be the best looking person on the planet, and I'm kind of a dildo, but c'mon. This sucks. Seriously. I don't even care about not getting any. I just want to be able to talk to someone at the end of the day that isn't some random person at a bar that I just met. Someone that doesn't give two shits about me being an asshole. That's all. That's all that I ask.
I'm fucked. I know I am. No one is going to put up with me. Who the fuck am I kidding? At least I'm not resorting to dating sites. I've seen how effective that is with my family.
This post is pretty pointless. Finals are next week. I'm really stoked for this semester to be over with. Lucero are playing in Birmingham again next Friday. SEC Championship this weekend. I really hope Alabama can beat Florida this year.
Before I came back to Tuscaloosa from the Thanksgiving break, I spent a while walking down the railroad tracks in Attalla. It was great. I always love getting between the cars, especially at home. I saw some open boxcars on the tracks and it reminded me of when I was a little boy, when my Paw Paw would take me and my brother down to the tracks and put us in the boxcars. We would just sit on the edge of the doors. I'd usually get scared that the train would take off, even though there never was a locomotive attached. I cherish that now. I saw some awesome tags on the cars. Tags that made me think that people that I want to know have been through Attalla before.
I've been thinking about hitting the road for a couple of days over the Christmas break. I don't know where I want to go. Maybe Tennessee. Maybe Georgia. Maybe Mississippi. I just want to see a place that I've never been before. Someone mentioned something to me earlier about going to Montana over spring break and I think that I'm going to take him up on it. I've never been that far west or north before and I want to go. I think it would be good for me.
Alright, I'm done now.
Until next time, goodnight all.
Not a music video this time, but this train is coming up the tracks that I grew up on and walk down when I'm home. On the other side of these tracks is my grandparents' house and the house that I lived in until I was 17. Norfolk and Western doesn't exist anymore, by the way. This was about a year or two before Norfolk and Western merged with Southern Railway to create Norfolk Southern.
I have on a pot of Seattle's Best coffee. I'll ad a bit of Best Yet heavy creamer and a bit of Bruno's brand sugar. It's probably Best Yet as well. Fuck, I don't remember. That's some corporate sloganeering if I've ever seen it on the Asswipe Chronicles. Too bad they don't pay me for it.
How was your Thanksgiving? Mine was alright. I ate too much, watched Alabama win the Iron Bowl (fuck you, Auburn fans, you were outscored 26-7 after the first quarter) and drank too much every night. Seriously, with the exception of Sunday (because Etowah County is dry on Sundays), I spent every night of the break at Antonelli's or Babe's. I'm glad that my mother and sister don't know about this blog. I'd rather them not know that I go to Babe's.
I hate this time of year, the span from after Halloween to the New Year. I really do. It makes me blue as hell. I'm going to be way more honest with you than I am being with anyone in this blog. I'm lonely as fuck. Seriously. I see all these people in town and at bars and they're together and happy and shit and I can't help but wonder, what the fuck am I doing wrong? This is way to personal for my own comfort, but I'm being serious. I may not be the best looking person on the planet, and I'm kind of a dildo, but c'mon. This sucks. Seriously. I don't even care about not getting any. I just want to be able to talk to someone at the end of the day that isn't some random person at a bar that I just met. Someone that doesn't give two shits about me being an asshole. That's all. That's all that I ask.
I'm fucked. I know I am. No one is going to put up with me. Who the fuck am I kidding? At least I'm not resorting to dating sites. I've seen how effective that is with my family.
This post is pretty pointless. Finals are next week. I'm really stoked for this semester to be over with. Lucero are playing in Birmingham again next Friday. SEC Championship this weekend. I really hope Alabama can beat Florida this year.
Before I came back to Tuscaloosa from the Thanksgiving break, I spent a while walking down the railroad tracks in Attalla. It was great. I always love getting between the cars, especially at home. I saw some open boxcars on the tracks and it reminded me of when I was a little boy, when my Paw Paw would take me and my brother down to the tracks and put us in the boxcars. We would just sit on the edge of the doors. I'd usually get scared that the train would take off, even though there never was a locomotive attached. I cherish that now. I saw some awesome tags on the cars. Tags that made me think that people that I want to know have been through Attalla before.
I've been thinking about hitting the road for a couple of days over the Christmas break. I don't know where I want to go. Maybe Tennessee. Maybe Georgia. Maybe Mississippi. I just want to see a place that I've never been before. Someone mentioned something to me earlier about going to Montana over spring break and I think that I'm going to take him up on it. I've never been that far west or north before and I want to go. I think it would be good for me.
Alright, I'm done now.
Until next time, goodnight all.
Not a music video this time, but this train is coming up the tracks that I grew up on and walk down when I'm home. On the other side of these tracks is my grandparents' house and the house that I lived in until I was 17. Norfolk and Western doesn't exist anymore, by the way. This was about a year or two before Norfolk and Western merged with Southern Railway to create Norfolk Southern.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
