The Bar Was Open But To Me The Bar Was Closing

How are you doing? I hope you're well. I haven't been here in a while. I hit town Friday night/Saturday morning after seeing Those Darlins and Lucero at Zydeco. I completely intended on staying in Birmingham after the show, but the person that I was going to stay with after the show left before I did. I ended up driving home only to find that my mother had locked the screen door and I didn't have a key. It was 4am and I didn't want to wake her, so I slept in a hotel. I woke up not drunk thinking "Where the fuck am I at?". You should all listen to Those Darlins, by the way. Speaking of the hotel room, if you're related to me and you happen to see any of my immediate family in the near future, please don't mention this. I'd rather not not hear the end of it.

I can't believe that Christmas is Friday. It's weird. When I was a kid, it always felt like it took forever for Christmas to get here. Now, well, it's fucking here. I didn't even realize that people had Christmas lights up until I drove down University Boulevard and Queen City Avenue tonight. When I was at home last week, I saw where the City of Attalla had put up their decorations, but they didn't put up the lanterns that I've seen my entire life. Instead, they put up plastic snowflakes covered in Christmas lights. It's like one of the few things about Christmas that I still enjoyed was gone. This is also going to be my very first Christmas that will be without any of my grandparents. We all know that it happens eventually, but it's still weird. I remember how weird it was last year, the first Christmas without Nanny. She always came over to eat breakfast with us Christmas morning and later in the day we would all go to her house for dinner. Instead, we went to my uncle's house last year and afterwards I started the new holiday tradition of sitting in a bar with my friends after we all did family things.

But tomorrow, tomorrow really starts the holiday for me. I'll be leaving Tuscaloosa after work, stopping in Birmingham to see some friends, then heading home. I'll be home for about two weeks this time. I haven't been home that long in a while. All I hope for out of these next two weeks is being able to sell my drumset and to not ring in 2010 like I did 2009; standing by myself in the middle of Antonelli's taking a drink from my pint while everyone around me paired off and kissed someone to welcome the new year. I told my mom about that the other day and I think it bummed her out.

Ah shit, this gets more and more depressing each time I post. I planned on driving somewhere over the break. Those Google Earth vacations just weren't cutting it. I finally did last week. It was me, my brother, Thomas, and Emily. We were originally going to go to Rome and buy 40s and lottery tickets and whatnot. Instead, we drove to Chattanooga (and I almost shit when I saw a huge goddamn railyard leading into the city and train shit all over the city), went to this really bitchin' restaurant called Big River Brewery that made their own beer in house, bought Tennessee lottery tickets, bought 40s in Georgia, I almost shit myself when I saw an actual case of Schlitz beer (not malt liquor, beer), drove back down Highway 11, and watched as my brother offered a cigarette to the bronze statues of Jeff Cook and Randy Owen in Fort Payne (much to our fears that the Fort Payne P.D. would arrest us for defacing their bronze idols or that the statues themselves would come alive and kill us). It seemed appropriate that the Alabama Museum and Fan Club is located next to a Tractor Supply. It was a really awesome night. It made me want to live in Chattanooga and I plan on going back sometime during the day so I can dick around a little longer.

Speaking of Alabama and Randy Owen, did you know that CMT does their own version of Cribs? No shit. Randy Owen was on it. They were in his bedroom and he pointed out that all of his kids were conceived in the same bed (thanks for the mental image, ass) and proceeded to bang the headboard against the wall, saying that that was what it sounded like when they were conceived. It was probably the funniest thing that's been on CMT in, well, ever.
There we go. That last paragraph wasn't a bummer. Finally. Maybe I can get this back to the foundation of sarcasm and smartassery that the Asswipe Chronicles was founded on.

I totally need to take a shower. I don't think I have since Thursday. It's officially Monday now. My ass is a tangled mess of ass hair and dingleberries (the screaming shits will do that to a man). And I itch. I'm itching all over. That's it, Asswipers, I'm taking a shower. I can't take this shit too much longer.

But before I go, be on the lookout. I might do some of that High Fidelity "End of the Year" list bullshit (If you don't get the High Fidelity part, Kevin Spacey pretty much does nothing but make lists and walk in the rain in the movie High Fidelity). Who knows?