Hey there, turds. Anything fun going on in life? No? Same old shit? Same here. I'm typing this sumbitch in the Ferg today and there are at least two assholes on the third floor banging like hell on the floor and everyone trying to eat/blog/get laid/whatever down here on the second floor looks pretty pissed. It's annoying. It sounds like Loki and Thor are engaged in the most epic Norse ping-pong match ever. From the sound of things, Loki is winning and Thor is pretty fucking pissed.
Today is a big anniversary for me. That's not really saying much, considering the only other anniversary in my life is my birthday. But today is a big day for me. It's the reason that none of my shirts or pants from two years ago fit anymore and partially the reason that I managed to waste a fuckton (specific scientific measurement, look it up) of money last year. THREE YEARS AGO TODAY, I STARTED DRINKING!
That's right, dildos. I remembered the date. Okay, I didn't. I saw a sticker on someone's car and that reminded me of the date. What was the sticker, you might ask? Well, it was a memorial sticker for the kids that were killed when a tornado hit Enterprise High School. Yeah, that's a pretty terrible thing to remember, but I feel like I have a legitimate excuse. Here's the deal.
The sky was turning black in South Alabama. I was walking around campus with my friend Rocky and the Troy University police were herding people out of their classes. My sister called to make sure I was okay and as soon as I got off the phone with her, it started raining like a bastard and the storm sirens started to wail. We checked the weather on a local station and the shit was in the process of killing teenagers in Enterprise. The weatherman said that the next densely populated place that it was going to hit was Troy, more than likely the campus of the University. I looked at Rocky and said, "Well shit, we're gonna die. Let's get drunk." I faintly remember the look on his face when I told him that. To give you a better idea, I was straight edge at the time. He was old enough to buy, so we went to the package store and invested in some Guinness Extra Stout. Most people's first beer is something shitty, Natural Light or Bud Light or Keystone. Not me. Fuck no. I threw it in the fridge in my dorm room to let it get cold and before I knew it, foam was spewing out from under the bottle caps, through the seal on the fridge door, and onto my floor. I didn't clean up the Guinness puddle until the night before I left Troy. The beer had lost all of its carbonation, and was now nothing more than stale coffee with alcohol. I soldiered on. Goddammit, if I was going to die in Alumni Hall, I wouldn't feel it when the cinder blocks hit. It was awful. I didn't like it. Okay, I hated it. Over the span of the rest of the semester, I kept trying. I don't know why I did, but I kept trying.
That was dumb. I thought I could crap a decent story out of that, but I guess not. I'll stop here in a second. Fuck, man. Two more weeks until spring break. It needs to hurry and I need to get the hell out of Tuscaloosa for a few days. The plan is looking like Mobile for two or three days and then home for nothing but beer and fishing. I'm pretty stoked on the whole thing. Also, the Grapefruit League games start tomorrow. Baseball is here. Hell yes. My birthday is a month from today. I don't really give a shit. Birthdays don't matter after 21, but my 13th birthday brought about some things that made me into the asshole that I am today. You have to wait a month for that epic narrative, though.
Yeah. This is fucking stupid. Later, turds.
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